R I S K S

They say home is where the heart is. 

They say [insert other favorite quotes].

They say many things.

 

They are right.

 

But when you are young, 

You run away from what ‘they’ say.

You run and run

Until you see for yourself.

Until you hurt for yourself.

Until you live for yourself.

 

When you choose to run,

When you choose to be naive,

You choose consequence.

You choose risk.

 

Speaking of risks,

I took quite a few in my college years.

 

The lesson I ‘lived for myself?’

We take risks for either of two reasons:

We do not care enough, if it all,

So we act reckless.

Or 

We care more than we ever have,

So we take the risk

Because a life of haunting what-ifs 

Would be unbearable.

 

Consequences

Are the stain that risks leave behind.

That stain may be a scarring bruise. 

That stain may be a reviving blessing.

 

My portfolio speaks for the obvious risks.

For academic decisions.

For career choices.

For leaps into socially transformative transitions. 

 

What now gets a spotlight

Are the small sidetracks that shaped me human.

 

Here is the most recent example:

Leaving lab this Thursday,

I took a risk.

I say ‘risk’ even though I merely took a random chance

But I use the word

Because I believe that risks can also be the little things.

The everyday decisions we make.

 

I left lab at 4:30pm 

hungry.

I had to wait for the dining hall to open at 5pm.

Being tired after the 3-hour experiment,

I was aiming for my bed for those 30 minutes.

Somehow, 

My feet dragged me to the waterfront instead-

my favorite place.

The place that saw majority of my tough college days. 

 

The days prior had been full of rain,

And the days following mimicked the same pattern.

This one day, however, the sky smiled.

At the waterfront,

Everyone smiled back.

As I sat awaiting my 30 minutes till dinner,

I was pleasantly taken by surprise

By the most breathtaking sunset.

 

With every glance up at the sky,

deeper beauty was forming.

More intense and new colors.

Like watching a painting come to life–

live.

 

I took a few pictures.

This is one of my favorites:

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Right after sharing that picture with friends,

My phone died.

 

The moment it did,

Tears were streaming down my face.

I was happy that the universe made that decision for me.

I was happy that I was forced to focus on absorbing the moment.

I was happy that I took the chance (risk) to see the waterfront on that lucky day.

 

But I wondered how many other beautiful sunsets I had missed.

Knowing how deeply seasonal depression affects me,

I wondered why I had not made more of that decision

At the expense of ‘risking’ some moments of rest

To gift myself that healthy, selfcare ‘consequence.’

 

I thought about every other choice I make.

The mini, daily decisions.

The significant, long-term commitments.

Everything.

 

I thought about how all of it,

Every little thing,

Forever shapes a piece of my limited years alive.

 

I felt a sense of maturity settling in at that moment.

I realized that 

In this 21st life year,

In transitioning to adulthood,

I want to live with more balance.

 

I want to continue taking risks,

But selectively.

Tastefully.

 

In recent months,

I prided myself in partly unhealthy risk-taking

To claim self-agency.

To feel in control.

 

As I near graduation,

As I enter a more responsible chapter,

I promise myself to slowly ‘tone it down.’

To listen better.

To not be so ‘now-or-never.’

To be level-headed in risk-taking.

 

As years flash before my eyes,

I hope I look back and see 

That most risks I took

Swept my feet off to steady grounds.